I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
