Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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