At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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