The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
