my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
