and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
