i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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