You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize