shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize