I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
