i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize