He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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