she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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