I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
