Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
