Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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