new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
