The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
