so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
