i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
