my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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