he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
