i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
