Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
