Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
