Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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