I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
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