My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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