remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
