Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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