Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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