is your mom at the bar?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
