dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
