How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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