Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
