So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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