the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
