no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
