Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
