So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
