Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
