I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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