just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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