I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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