i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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