I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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