remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
