I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
