i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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