When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
