He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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