you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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