that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
