She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
